☤ twenty-one

[as_damaged]

I deal with death on a daily basis. That sounds awfully morbid, but it's true. What I do-- moreso than most doctors, maybe, I'm accustomed to it. We save a lot of people, figure things out at the very last moment; we lose people, too. Sometimes because we can't stop it; sometimes because we're asked to; sometimes due to mistakes, lapses in judgment. You don't get used to it. You get by. Try not to let it happen again. And talking about it doesn't help, not really.

I was a widow before most of my friends even thought about getting married; it wasn't sudden, it wasn't unexpected. I had time to prepare for loss; that didn't make it easier, in the end. You don't get used to it. Even now, what feels like a lifetime, what's certainly a world away, from time to time I'll see a smile that reminds me of his, and it still aches, dull and deep.

At first I thought it wasn't the same, here-- half the people out on the street have died, once or a dozen times, here or at home, and you can hardly tell the difference. It was a strange thought, that maybe what I did didn't matter-- that the stakes had changed and somehow life lost a little value. Things aren't always all right, even when we 'win'... Maybe someone would be better off cold but whole, rather than living on anti-rejection meds, living with a pacemaker or a lost limb. I don't know where you'd draw the line.

Then I was shot.

I wonder sometimes if it'd be easier if I could understand it. If I knew who it was. I know why; it wasn't like I was the only one cursed that day, and I guess that's why I'm still alive. Even so... I think about it more than I like to admit, double-locking the door the moment it's shut. Hearing the echo of footsteps in the hallway.

If nothing else, I understand why it isn't so different, even when people wake up the next morning.

I don't want to-- I don't talk about it, because I shouldn't let a curse have this kind of sway, that much power over the way I feel. It's irrational and stupid, and I should know better. I do know better, but right now I don't have a choice in the matter, I can't stop talking.


[ooc; mostly cursed to talk about her own death here, but also DEATH in general. <3]

Comments

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

So the thing that bothers you most is trying to hold yourself to a standard you'd never expect anyone else to live up to. Yeah, that sounds about right. Cameron, trauma doesn't heal any faster when it's psychological than it does when it lands you in the ICU.

[as_damaged]

It's entirely irrational.

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

Being more concerned for your security after someone compromised it? No, it's not.

[as_damaged]

This wasn't how I expected you'd react.

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

No?

[as_damaged]

Then again, I don't know what to expect anymore

No.

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

What did you expect?

[as_damaged]

I'm not sure. Just not this.

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

You can't have not expected something without some idea of what your expectations would have been.

You didn't tell me. Specifically me. I have to assume whatever you did expect, it wasn't precisely flattering.

[as_damaged]

Specifically you because anyone else who might have cared was here when it happened.

I suppose I didn't think you'd be so logical about it.

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

How else am I supposed to be? I wasn't here, there's nothing I could have done. You're not dead.

You should get a roommate.

[as_damaged]

There's nothing you could have done if you were here, either.

Most people suggest I get a gun.

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

Maybe.

People who carry guns statistically increase their chances of getting shot.

[as_damaged]

There wasn't.

I'm not sure that applies here. Living in the City statistically increases your chances of spontaneously combusting or turning into a fish or seeing the future; I suspect it throws off the numbers.

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

Maybe.

Then get a gun. Get a room mate with a gun. Do what it takes to get yourself more comfortable about being here. The irrational part is worrying without doing anything to help yourself.

[as_damaged]

I'm more comfortable when I don't have to talk about it.

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

Not talking doesn't preclude doing somet-

Nevermind.