☤ thirty-seven

[as_damaged]

I have my husband's sperm. Frozen.

Comments

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

...Here?

[as_damaged]

Of course not.

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

Right.

Just seemed an... odd thing to suddenly bring up. To the whole network.

[as_damaged]

Honestly, I'm not sure why I did.

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

So you've kept it. All this time?

[as_damaged]

I think I'd like a child, someday. Not yet. But at least I have the option.

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

And you don't think there are going to be other options? I mean, I understand why you'd-- but you lost him while you were in college.

[as_damaged]

I can't be sure there will be. I certainly couldn't at the time. I was in love; losing someone can be like the end of the world.

I wanted something to endure, some hope that even if he was gone he wasn't entirely lost.

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

I know what losing someone can be like.

You can't be sure of anything, but if I--had that massive heart attack, I think I'd be hopeful that the person I loved might find happiness and raise kids with someone who hadn't been dead for nearly ten years.

[as_damaged]

I didn't mean to say you didn't; I was just trying to explain my thoughts at the time. Preparing for the end... looking beyond it wasn't a priority for me, and I needed something to hold on to.

I think he'd want the same thing; and I'm not keeping it because I don't want to find someone else, or because I'm afraid of being disloyal to his memory. I may not date much, but it isn't as though I've been celibate since he passed away. I just find it... reassuring. Knowing that I have the option, if I ever decide I'm ready and I'm alone.

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

You don't want to let go of the possibilities you had with him. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as they're just possibilities, not your plan.

Even if it might sound like a pretty bleak outlook to anyone not in your position.

[as_damaged]

More of a backup plan, I suppose. I'll admit... sometimes I'm not sure I want to give up on the idea.

It's complicated. But I don't think it's necessarily unhealthy.