☤ twenty-one

[as_damaged]

I deal with death on a daily basis. That sounds awfully morbid, but it's true. What I do-- moreso than most doctors, maybe, I'm accustomed to it. We save a lot of people, figure things out at the very last moment; we lose people, too. Sometimes because we can't stop it; sometimes because we're asked to; sometimes due to mistakes, lapses in judgment. You don't get used to it. You get by. Try not to let it happen again. And talking about it doesn't help, not really.

I was a widow before most of my friends even thought about getting married; it wasn't sudden, it wasn't unexpected. I had time to prepare for loss; that didn't make it easier, in the end. You don't get used to it. Even now, what feels like a lifetime, what's certainly a world away, from time to time I'll see a smile that reminds me of his, and it still aches, dull and deep.

At first I thought it wasn't the same, here-- half the people out on the street have died, once or a dozen times, here or at home, and you can hardly tell the difference. It was a strange thought, that maybe what I did didn't matter-- that the stakes had changed and somehow life lost a little value. Things aren't always all right, even when we 'win'... Maybe someone would be better off cold but whole, rather than living on anti-rejection meds, living with a pacemaker or a lost limb. I don't know where you'd draw the line.

Then I was shot.

I wonder sometimes if it'd be easier if I could understand it. If I knew who it was. I know why; it wasn't like I was the only one cursed that day, and I guess that's why I'm still alive. Even so... I think about it more than I like to admit, double-locking the door the moment it's shut. Hearing the echo of footsteps in the hallway.

If nothing else, I understand why it isn't so different, even when people wake up the next morning.

I don't want to-- I don't talk about it, because I shouldn't let a curse have this kind of sway, that much power over the way I feel. It's irrational and stupid, and I should know better. I do know better, but right now I don't have a choice in the matter, I can't stop talking.


[ooc; mostly cursed to talk about her own death here, but also DEATH in general. <3]

Comments

audio;

[treadingdawn.livejournal.com]

Perhaps if you were to find something sweet to eat...

audio; CASPIAN WHAT ARE YOU |D

[as_damaged]

I doubt that would help.

audio; it is much nicer than offering to keep her mouth busy okai

[treadingdawn.livejournal.com]

I mean if you were to find something else to do besides think of words, it might help.

audio; i hear he gets around. wink wink nudge nudge

[as_damaged]

I could always tape my mouth shut if it came to that. The City hates secrets, though. Everything's said sooner or later.

audio; CRY FOREVER

[treadingdawn.livejournal.com]

I suppose...

I'm sorry for your loss.

[dr-foodsniffler.livejournal.com]

No, you don't get used to it. You might get better at holding on through it and not getting sick all over the floor, but you never get used to it.

Even here, I still say that life is better than death. Death is still death, even if life and death don't seem to mean as much here as they did in my world--and yours too, apparently. Death, injury, sickness--that's still suffering, and I don't wish that on anyone.

And with what happened to you--I'm sorry.

[as_damaged]

I don't think I'll ever get used to this, though. Even if it doesn't change the stakes-- maybe it makes things worse, when you have to face the people you couldn't save.

It's all right. It was a curse, curses aren't supposed to mean anything. I wish it didn't mean anything; most of the time I can pretend that it doesn't, without a problem.

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

What? You weren't shot.

[as_damaged]

I was. In the chest, twice, by a stranger who broke down my door, back in March.

[worksmart.livejournal.com]

We weren't even here in March. Is this a curse?

[as_damaged]

I've been here since February. Yes, it's a curse, or I wouldn't be telling you about it. I've avoided telling you about it so far.

[uxoriousemperor.livejournal.com]

It does not do to dwell on death, madam. Such unpleasant things must be endured, but not dwelled upon in this manner. As it is a curse that compels you to speak, perhaps it is also the curse forcing you to think so deeply about such a painful topic. I do hope that this curse will not last long, and that you may return to more pleasant thoughts in the near future.

[as_damaged]

Thank you.

...I think about it more than I should. Sometimes I think I've seen more than my share of death, but that's a selfish thought. I didn't have to become a doctor; I didn't have to marry-- well.

It's times like this that I really hate this place.

voice

[dr_conscience]

It really differs from case to case, but knowing in advance doesn't usually do much to help.

For patients it can help in some ways. They have things they wanted to accomplish, peaces they wanted to make. They have that chance, they know that they only have so much time left so they're motivated to do things, to live while they can. At the same time, many of them would rather not know. They all go on emotional roller coasters, accepting it one day and terrified the next.

The families, the loved ones, though... it doesn't help. Knowing that a loss is coming doesn't make the loss any less difficult. And getting involved with someone knowing that they're dying... well, you know from the start, and you think it's alright, that you'll be okay. After all, you know, you think it means you'll be ready. But knowing it will happen is abstract; the reality of it actually happening is entirely different.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't--

[click]

voice

[as_damaged]

I think I knew from the beginning that I wouldn't be okay. Well... I thought eventually, I would be better than I was. Am. But I knew it was going to be difficult, and I guess... it was worth it, to me. Because he needed someone, and I loved him.

voice

[dr_conscience]

And because of that, he had an opportunity to experience love, to experience a real relationship, when he otherwise wouldn't have ever had that chance.

I can't say that I understand exactly how you feel, but I know it's not easy.

voice

[as_damaged]

I'm sure it's not any easier for you-- dealing with terminal patients. You know it's inevitable, that all you can do is postpone the end for them...

I'm sorry. This isn't something I want to talk about.

[suicideslowly]

Getting shot changes a lot of things. Whether you see it coming or not.

[as_damaged]

It's easy to look back on it and see all the things I could have done, if I hadn't been caught unaware. I should have fought back. I hate feeling so helpless.

[suicideslowly]

I think what makes it... hard is that those are also things that everyone could have done with mistakes. Any kind of mistake. If only you'd seen it coming, you could have stopped it beforehand, avoid needing to beg forgiveness of anyone, even yourself.

But don't mistake it for something you did wrong.

How can you fight back against a bullet?

Most people are helpless against those.

[as_damaged]

I could have dealt with it better, after. Somehow.

[vicodincrutch.livejournal.com]

Motivation rarely is the same as a coherent reason. There's a method to diseases, they progress systematically. Criminals, no, people have that elastic concept of feelings which hardly ever follow reason. A leap and a bound over several conclusions and a feeling validates everything.

[as_damaged]

Motivation can be external, here.

Someone told me after that the man who did it died as well.

[vicodincrutch.livejournal.com]

Poetic justice, divine vengeance, karma...either way it makes the shooter a stiff. The truth is stranger than fiction.

[as_damaged]

Should I feel better, knowing that he died too? I don't.

It shouldn't matter at all.