as_damaged | ☎ voicemail

It keeps freezing up, and--

[And. She turns halfway through the sentence, freezing up as she sees who's come to help. As if having Chase around isn't bad enough-- uncomfortable though their friendship might be, at least they like each other. This would have been bad enough had it happened a week ago; now, it's humiliating.

Her pride, though shaken and bruised, is all she has left. Picking up after her pause in a low tone, she tries to look less miserable about this than she is.]

--and rebooting it didn't help.

[Maybe Angela's done a lot of things in her life that fall into the categories of sins and crimes. And maybe she knowingly breaks the rules just because they're there and, well, temptation's a bitch.

None of that makes her deserving of the face-off she has to deal with now. She takes a deep breath before digging for nothing in particular in her shoulder bag and decides that if Cameron is ignoring the looming elephant that just came and planted himself in the middle of the room, so can she.]

Could be a number of things. Virus or hardware related. I'll have to poke at it to make sure.

Sure.

[It would be too much to hope that Angela doesn't know; even if their not-so-anonymous conversation-- of all the worst ironies-- didn't give it away, she'd be willing to wager that Chase has gossiped. She pushes her chair back from the desk and stands, stepping aside with her hands folded in front of her, after a vague wave at the chair.

Yuuuup. Totally calm.]

[He didn't gossip. He practically had to be wrung for the little bit of information Angela got from him. All she technically knows is that it wasn't easy for him to tell Cameron. What she doesn't know, but feels instead, is more than Robert said that late night. Angela can tell Cameron has feelings for him too, without a need for help from a cursed conversation.]

Thank you. It won't take long.

[Longer than Angela hopes. The elephant is moving closer and closer to them the more Angela types on the what just might be the loudest keyboard in the history of computers.]

Edited 2009-11-09 02:49 (UTC)

[It's difficult to think charitably of one's rival and one's... ex? That hardly applies; the only relationships they've ever been in have been by definition non-relationships. She doesn't want to think of them at all, actually.]

I tried running a scan, but. It kept locking up and...

[The drifting off could just be frustration with an uncooperative computer. The sigh is obviously something more, something personal.]

Safe mode. It's easier to do it in safe mode.

[Angela's pretty sure Cameron has no idea what safe mode is, but it's easier to throw out computer terms than let the uncomfortable silence reign. Quietness leads to heavy sighs like the one that just passed and Angela can't take too many of those before she explodes.]

It's a virus. Not too bad, but let the scan finish, then reboot and you should be fine. No files were compromised.

[She gets up from the chair and pulls all her belongings together into a neat little pile. Usually, Angela would stick around and make sure everything is fine with the system, but maybe walking out before things are settled might be best.

Or maybe not. She gets halfway out the exit only to double back and drop her bag back on Cameron's desk.]

I didn't force his hand.

[Might as well get it over with.]

Good. Thanks.

[She can't quite smile, but she manages something halfway there and tolerably polite. She nearly faints with relief as Angela turns to go, straightening noticeably as the other woman pauses and wheels. Great, just great.]

I know.

[Or at least, she could guess. It's her own fault as much as anyone's, not being able to explain herself to him when she had the chance. Not having the courage or the certainty.]

I'm not standing in your way.

I know that. He told me you said that. [And quickly before Cameron thinks Robert blabbed everything in the world to Angela...] That's all he said. Honest.

[And even with bad timing, that doesn't mean Angela--as a human--doesn't care about another person's feelings. She may not get along with Cameron, but heartbreak is heartbreak and that's a common emotion amongst everybody.]

I know you have feelings for him, Cameron. Neither he or you had to tell me that. I could see it.

[She shifts, settling a little to lean against the wall, glancing down at the floor.]

I know what it looks like. [A sad smile touches her lips.] Not saying anything until it's too late.

[After all, Angela doesn't have the highest opinions of Cameron, and under the circumstances... She has no reason to try and leash Chase, to keep him from being happy. But, she imagines, it could look like that. It's a little too close to the old game, where physical and emotional nearness came at each other's cost. There's no reason to think the other woman knows the hundred silent reasons for her reluctance, the things that don't excuse her machinations, but do explain them.]

Oh, honey. Do I know about that.

[The moment finds Angela plopping back into Cameron's chair, looking a little too comfortable considering who she's talking to. Angela decides that the best way to level the playing field is to offer up a story, a true one, that shows Cameron they're not too different after all.]

I almost lost the guy I'm with at home. Long story short, I brushed him off just because I was scared that it would end badly. If it ended badly, it would make things awkward for our colleagues at work. Then he got buried alive. I had already had one boyfriend murdered. I didn't want another one dead before I got my ass into gear. Nothing puts shit into perspective quite like that.

[Unlike Cameron who's staring at the ground, Angela's eying her from the desk, swinging side to side lightly in the chair. She's not sure how Cameron is taking this line, but call it a little piece of Angela's bleeding heart showing. Behind all the partying and the drinking, the sex and the foul language, it does exist.]

You learn to say things when you can. Take advantage of the moment. This... [Angela hesitates because now it's going from advice to actually admitting her emotional digest. Not a major thing she holds back from but it's to Cameron.] ...isn't as easy as it looks for me. We're not best friends forever, but I never wanted you hurt, you know?

Edited 2009-11-09 17:05 (UTC)

[She looks up at that, meeting Angela's eyes steadily. It's a little odd; they've hit both extremes under curses, closest compatriots and bitterest enemies, yet somehow this is the most human conversation they've ever had. She relaxes a little. Not that she's at ease-- quite the opposite-- but she's no longer on the verge of breaking.] I know.

[They all have their faults and their share of the blame, but Cameron knows no one intended it to play out like this. Not that it could have gone any other way. She appreciates the honesty, though.]

I was married. Did you know? [Everybody lies, and she's done it too much of late. Or at least omitted, obfuscated the things she didn't want to explain. A habit that deserves to be broken.]

No, I didn't.

[No longer on the verge of breaking is a start. Last thing she wants to hear is House casually mentioning Cameron threw herself off one of the high-rise apartments. The guilt would eat Angela alive. God knows what it'll do to Robert.]

Divorce?

I was in college.

[She's less inclined to do something flashy and destructive; disappearing is more her style, vanishing into quiet work and an empty apartment. She doesn't have much of a social life to begin with.]

Cancer. It metastasized. [She pauses. These are words she's said a hundred times, about too many people to remember; but it's always different, always raw when she talks about him.] It lasted six months.

[Thus the difference between Cameron and Angela. Angela does everything flashy, preferably with fireworks, a band, color guards and confetti. Her death will go down in history books as the big party ever.]

Oh God. I'm sorry.

[She really is and it shows in the way Angela covers her gasp with her hands. Losing Kirk tore at Angela for weeks. Seeing his skull laid out on a crumb-laden paper plate haunted her nights for even longer. That was murder, one she still hopes was quick and painless. Cancer is a slow trial that not only kills the victim but those who love them. God knows if Angela would have had the strength to stick around when she was in college. Cameron just gained a new level of respect from Angela.]

Did you know... before?

That he was sick? [Something in the look she levels at the other woman implies her assent, though she can't bring herself to nod. She's thought about her marriage more, here, than she has in years; the City likes to dig it up, teasing her with her past and her future alike. The photo on her shelf, the ring on Chase's finger. There's more, so much more that she can't bring herself to explain-- not now, not here, and not to her; because they aren't friends even if they're speaking civilly. But it's a start.]

I loved him. [It was enough then. The only reason she questions whether it would be enough, again, is that she's lived it; she's not sure if she could walk with a double weight of loss, if things go wrong again.] And... he needed me.

[Angela nods, clearly catching the non-verbal response. No words are needed. She knows how the City likes to play jokes with horrible memories. They've kept her up at night here on more than a handful of occasions.]

Kirk wanted me. I wouldn't let him have me except for three weeks out the year. Every year during week two, he would either ask me to move cross country with him or marry him. I always told him no and gave him some excuse when I knew damn well I just didn't want to settle down. For the longest, I thought that maybe if I did settle, we wouldn't have taken that vacation and maybe he wouldn't have gotten killed and maybe he would still be alive today.

[There's uncertainty behind Angela's look. On the outside, she looks just like somebody retelling a painful past should look and that's how she feels. On the inside, however, she's not sure why she's telling this to Cameron, of all people. Not even Robert knows this much about Kirk; he knows that Angela lost somebody close to her, but not the specifics about the murder. But she's on a roll and she's already said this much. She might as well finish things out.]

I don't live in the past now. When he--Robert--asked, I jumped. I like him, to state the obvious. He makes me happy. [He gives her something to hold on to when one by one, everybody she cares about leaves.] But I don't want there to be hard feelings between us. If I were in your position, I'd feel the same as you, but still, no hard feelings. We didn't get off to such a hot start, but I hope you find somebody that makes you happy too.

I'm sorry.

[There's no comparison between the two; sudden loss isn't any better or any worse, in her estimation, than the slow inevitability of a terminal disease. Angela lost someone she clearly, truly cared about; it's a point of similarity and sympathy. Maybe she'd feel better if she could hate the other woman, but she doesn't. She can't.]

I don't have any right to resent you.

[That's pure truth. She does, a little; though she's trying not to dwell on it, not to let her doubts get the better of her. This calls for another polite lie, though; things aren't that simple. Chase is the first person she's been attracted to in a long time that she ever had a chance with; and it took time she hopes she won't have here before she became comfortable enough to admit any degree of attraction to him, much less affection. Dating felt like a betrayal of sorts, and though she'd tried here and there over the years, her relationships always died before they began. Falling for men who couldn't or wouldn't return her interest became a safe habit; you can't lose something you don't have, or feel guilty about something you haven't done.]

[There are very few people Angela hates in the world and, likewise, Cameron is and will never be on that list. Not over a man, at least.

The computer scan is done and Angela silently sets the system to reboot and starts preparing to leave for the second time today. The air doesn't necessarily feel clear, but at least there's a minor break in the fog. The rest requires times.]

I meant what I said. Take a chance. Go with the flow. Break the rules. Have fun with it. If you're too busy worrying about what the end is, you'll miss everything in between. Forever is a long time and you might not even live that long. Nobody has that long.

[Back on the path through the exit, Angela nods and smiles slightly to Cameron. She could walk out right now and never speak to the other woman again, but there's just one last thing Angela needs to say before the door closes behind her.]

And don't be too hard on Robert. This wasn't easy for him either.

[Because now, when she gets home, Angela has to deal with him and his intended plan for tonight. Somebody will be upset to hear that this meeting ruined her light mood and she'll have to take a raincheck on things. Talk about not being easy.]

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